Worship was fun today... After so many weeks of dull monotonous worship sessions, I finally find joy in serving again. I love to play for Him... I love to make beautiful music and give my best to Him. Its just that I haven't been the best spiritual state for the past few months. And now, coming back to Him reminds me of what I've been missing. I overheard some new-comers say that the worship was very good. It makes me happy that I can play music to help people come into the presence of God.

::: Word of the Day :::
carte blanche (noun.)(French)
Unrestricted power to act at one's own discretion; unconditional authority: gave the contractor carte blanche to modernize the kitchen

It leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. I don't feel motivated enough to do anything. I haven't had breakfast or lunch even. Whats wrong with me? I want to get right with God. But the thought of it... repels me. I'm shocked too but it does. Dear God... Have I fallen so far? Am I so proud that I would not crawl back to you? Dare I show my indignation? God... I need to run away. Just for awhile. Just for a couple of days. God, I wanna run away with you.

::: Song of the Day :::
In my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

how long must you wait for it?
how long must you pay for it?

I was scared
Tired and under prepared
But I wait for it
And if you go
Leave me down here on my own
Then I'll wait for you

Sing it please, please, please
Come back and sing to me
To me
| coldplay - in my place |

Try this...
If there were a thousand men standing in a circle, and they were given a single gun with unlimited ammo. The first man would shoot the second man and then pass the gun to the third man. The third man would then shoot the fourth man and pass the gun to the fifth man. If this was to continue on and on in a circle, who would be the last man standing?

Its not as easy as it looks. After a few rounds the pattern changes and you start to get confused. Leave a comment with the formula if you can figure out the answer. =) Lissa was asking us (Lynette, Dale & myself) during the reunion dinner just now. We spent the next 45 minutes trying to figure it out. We know the concept of it but we can't get the formula down. Wahaha...

I'm struggling with myself about the change. I'm having 'mood swings'. Sometimes I feel like I can & should do it. But at other times, I feel like I can't carry on. This path cannot be journeyed alone.

My mind and my heart are out of sync... I don't think its possible for me to keep it up. I can't keep giving if my actions are not reciprocated. I desperately want to. But I can't. It just feels like I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm reminded of what my mom told me a couple of years ago. About a dream that my aunt had about me. She said that in her dream she saw me being stepped on by numerous people. Maybe I should be more assertive. But I find that I don't have the right to be assertive if I'm not entirely right. I don't like the feeling when people become defensive and shoot back at me for my flaws. So I remain uninvolved at times when I should speak out.

3 years ago, I changed because I was forced to. I think its time I carried on. Its time for another change. Its time to grow up.

There's no more trying tonight

I'm halfway through the two strenuous weeks of exercises. I managed to survive Exercise DiamondLink & the Army Half Marathon. It was a Half Half Marathon for me. I only ran 12 km. I don't think I could have made it if I had to run 21km. Missing all those Battalion Runs wasn't such a good idea after all. I managed to complete the stupid run in 1 and a half hours. Not fantastic. Especially when you compare it to the Kenyan looking guy who came in first in the competitive 21km run. I think his timing was about 1 hour and 10 minutes. Thats so fast, I can't even imagine it.

Had a talk with the cell (ie. Jeremy and Alicia) last night over a wonderful supper at Blooie's. I'm so relieved that they understood my situation and my busy schedule. They even offered to help out if they could. Thank God for that.

This coming week would be a slightly easier one. I get to stay out this entire week. I'm attached to the IKC2 showcase at Stagmont camp. Praying for good weather. I don't want to be baked in the parade square.

2 hectic weeks coming up. God help me.
My body is failing me. I have to rely on God.
But I'm not connecting to God.
So its becoming a vicious cycle.

I will rely on You because no one else seems to care.
I can't live like this.
I can't balance NS & Church.
(Or rather I can't be so involved.)
And I can't drop NS.

What do I do now?

I'm having nights out and I'm at Jurong Point now. We just ended an exercise and I'm so tired that I could lie down and sleep now. But I felt that I just needed to get out of camp. I'm sitting at MosBurger looking over at KFC and I just saw this guy go up to the salesgirl of the KFC ice-cream counter and ask for her number. Surprisingly, she gave it to him. I could never do something like that. You could say that its because I don't have the guts. I choose to believe that its not my style.

So anyway, because of the recent buzz of activity, I haven't had time to spend quality time with God or even to update this blog. But I am working on it!

Charis had a match on Sunday with MPCC. Having not played soccer for more than a month, we were desperately lacking in match fitness and basic ball control. Our weak point, the center of midfield was even worse than usual! Every goal kick that we had ended up with the opponents and every time we moved forward to attack, we would be cut down before we reached their penalty area. We were 1-0 down at halftime because of what I thought was a poor decision by the referee. I was trying to intercept the ball from this guy in midfield. It was a waist high pass to him and while I was jumping to meet the ball with my foot, I felt him push me such that the ball went between my legs. This allowed him a free run on goal and the assist. There were also the crazy tackles from behind which went unpunished.

In the second half, I put 5 men in midfield but we still couldn't hold the shape. We let in the second goal from a downward header. I managed to pull back one from long distance in the middle of their half but although it was a beautiful goal, we couldn't push for the equaliser. Their striker managed to dribble past 2 of our players to score their third goal.

The guy who asked for the KFC girl's number is now smsing and she is replying from her counter. They are barely 5 metres from each other... (-_-)
I just bought 2 new books. 'Tuesdays with Morrie' & 'The 5 People You Meet in Heaven'. I'm so broke now. I'm still waiting for my reimbursement for the drum skins from church.

::: Song of the Day :::
If you'd like to walk a while
We could waste the day
Follow me into the trees
I will lead the way

Bring some change up to the bridge
Bring some alcohol
There we'll make a final wish
Just before the fall

Promise I will be forever yours
Promise not to say another word
(Here forever deep beneath the dirt)
Nevermind whats done is done
Always was a lucky one

Watch the sunrise all alone
Sitting on the tracks
Hear the train come roaring in
Never coming back

Laying quiet in the grass
Everything is still
River stones and broken bones
Scattered on the hill
| foo fighters - still |

Just found out something today which really upset me. Its amazing how much other people's opinions of you can affect you. If it were from someone who knows me well and works with me constantly, maybe it would be a fair statement to make. But its not and it shouldn't be affecting me. But it does!

What have I done to deserve this? Is this the price to pay for attempting to live entirely for You? Being persecuted by my own? How do people get so blinded by themselves? So full of themselves that they don't realise that they need to be sensitive to the feelings of others. So much talk going on. So much poison in the church. Within the body of Christ! Dear Lord forgive us! Could I be the one who is wrong? That is a question I have to always ask myself. Or else I might turn out to become like one of them.

Dear Lord, I seek to please only You. I press on so that I can draw nearer to you. I hold my head up high because You walk beside me and I am blameless in Your sight. Give me the strength I need to be silent. So that I will not become like the people who do things that I despise. Remind me to speak blessings and not curses. Teach me to act and speak in love. Amen.

"You have to wait... You have to take this time to prepare... So that you will be ready. Have you forgotten... I do not forget!"
This was a word from Patricia when she prayed for me during prayer meeting. This is what I should be focusing on. Not on the politics. But I have this to say.
God's plans are bigger than you, your ideas and your games.

::: Song of the Day :::
Look at earth from outer space
Everyone must find the place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real, don't give me fake

Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time give us a kiss
Tell me your own Politik

Give me one, cause one is best
And in confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
And don't forget the rest of us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
Oh Love, tell me your own politik

Just open up your eyes
And give me love over desire
| coldplay - politik |

Its funny... I just re-confirmed today something I learned about myself a few years ago. It happened when Reverend Joe Purcell mentioned about pride being one of the reasons why we're afraid to prophesy in the Spirit. We're afraid of being wrong and being shamed. I think pride is one of the key factors in my life. Although I've tried to not to be proud or over-confident in my abilities, there's still a small element of not wanting to 'lose face'. I think its a side effect of being brought up in an Asian (read: Singaporean) culture. It has made me realise why I haven't improved in my chinese since primary 4. Its because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself when I speak chinese. I can't get the correct pronunciation and my classmates in primary school used to laugh at the way I spoke or read it.

There are problems afoot in Charis. It seems to me that this is what happens when people try to take things into their own hands. Doing what they THINK God would want them to do. But who am I to judge whether what they do is right or not? All I know is that this is not they way Jesus would treat His people. And however much we want to serve & please Him, we shouldn't take people's feelings for granted. Different stages of growth, different growth rates... You don't pry a butterfly out of the cocoon, or try to spread the petals of a flowering bud.

::: Song of the Day :::
In His time, in His time.
He makes all things beautiful, in His time.
Lord, please show me every day,
As You’re teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say,
In Your time.

In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful, in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing
Be to You a lovely thing,
In Your time.
| maranatha! music - in his time |

Good morning everyone... I'm up on this beautiful Sunday. This is one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. I managed to catch delirious and Hillsong's Darlene Zschech at the indoor stadium. Its amazing how high worship can go! And I've learnt that it isn't the band that moves me to worship God, the band makes mistakes. Its the fact that Darlene is worshipping, the entire stadium is worshipping, all are focused on my God and King. What is greater than worshipping God? To know that there are many beside you who worship the same God as you.

::: Word of the Day :::
onomatopoeia (noun)
The formation or use of words that imitate the sounds associated with the objects or actions they refer to. (eg. buzz or murmur)

::: Song of the Day :::
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?
[chanting] Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?
| damien rice - cold water |

Wow... Highlight of my week was being able to go for sonicfest on thursday and friday. Let me just say for the record that I really enjoyed planet shakers. They were quite distracted by the quality of the sound, which to be fair, was not as good as it should be. The thing is, when I went back on friday, they sounded a lot better. Smoother and more rehearsed. I actually thought that I'd spent too much energy dancing and singing to planetshakers that I wouldn't have enough for sonicflood. But sonicflood were a different class totally. Their musicianship and skill were almost flawless. But the thing that really got me was Rick Heil's (Sonicflood frontman) ability to really worship. He was able to sing in the spirit with new songs. His testimony is an amazing one. You can read it here.

Padang duty has been a really boring time. I enjoy laying lines more than sitting on a bench for 12 hours. Just a bit more before National Day is over. The only thing I enjoy about the duty is the wonderful view of the fireworks that are displayed at 8pm...Just beautiful!

Sleep calls...

I got guard duty tomorrow. This situation really sucks. Its kinda too late to change now unless I pay someone to do it. Or if I 'force' my buddies to do it for me. But its not fair for them too.

Dear God, I pray that by tomorrow morning I'll be healed and refreshed. Thank you that sickness cannot stay in my body unless I allow it to. Thank you for your healing and your forgiveness in my life. Thank you for giving me the ability to carry out these pointless activities with joy. In Jesus' precious name, Amen!

Hmmm... I've fallen sick. I just got back from the doctor. I've got a 38.1 degree celcius temperature. Going back in tomorrow night.

I escaped going to the padang again this morning. Really felt kinda horrible when I woke up. But I thank God I don't have to waste my time there. Next week will be another opportunity to waste time though. I won tickets to the National Day Preview through a lucky draw. Don't think I will be going for it though. I have 2 options.

1) I can give the tickets to my brother and Yvette as a present.
2) I can sell them to a guy from my company.

I'm screwing up... again. I hate it when I'm wrong. Why is it that whenever an opportunity rises to screw up, I always take it? I still have a chance to make this right though.

I'm home!!! I shouldn't be but I am... I'm supposed to be at the padang today but I had a slight stumble yesterday during the battalion run so I don't have to go. Scraped my knee on the curb. I didn't fall so I continued running. I didn't notice the wound till after about 2km when I looked down and saw a bright red patch on my knee. I didn't stop till the halfway point of the run. Had to let the medic take a look at the wound. The funny thing is, I was supposed to be the last runner together with Jenson... And our role was to ensure the safety of the runners. (eg. No one falls and gets left behind.) How ironic.

And so this morning, I woke up pretty late. My knee was stiff. And I had a runny nose. Basically feeling kinda bad so I skipped breakfast and contemplated how I was to escape going to the padang. After much thought, I decided to report sick. But I was too lethargic to go to the medical centre till about 11am. (Its a 2km walk/limp!)

The medics who dressed my wound were strange/funny. There was this guy who was dressing a wound for the first time and this lao jiao (more experienced & senior) medic who was rating him. Then the lao jiao was like screaming, in a hilarious way, at the newbie because he was not doing it properly. I found it uncomfortably funny that they were discussing the wrong way of dressing a wound in front of me. Then the medic who tended to me yesterday walked in. And the lao jiao was scolding him for taking advice from a storeman on how to clean my wound yesterday.

I REALLY hope we don't go to war.

Here I am again... sitting in one of the offices in the supreme court building. Got called here for NDP at the last minute. Hopefully they will release us at 5 o'clock. Sigh... I miss home. At least they have internet here...

I went for bible study at The Rock in Suntec City yesterday. I had to rush down in a cab. The journey took like 45 minutes and i felt carsick because of the way the cabbie was driving... And the cost of the cab ride was $19.40... Insane. Hopefully I'll be able to leave camp earlier for next week's session. I loved the worship there. I miss having such wonderful worship. We used to have that kind of worship at our church. Maybe not as technically skilled as the musicians and vocalists at The Rock but it was there... I don't know what happened the past few weeks. Is it me or is it the bands? I just find that our worships are becoming more jarring.

Pastor Derek Prince was talking alot on the message of grace. About how we're the generation that will see the rapture. And about how the modern day church is not moving into the 'Holy of Holies'. (The place where the ark and the presence of God was residing in the temple of God) And about how we've simply remained in 'the Holy Place', which isn't a bad thing by the way, just that we've got so much more in store for us. One thing that got me thinking was what Pastor Prince said...

"Jesus died to rid us of sin-conciousness."
I always thought why we worship Him in the first place was because we know how sinful we are and how holy He is. And that He chose to love us anyway and take away our sins. Does that mean we know no more sin? Or we are no longer conscious or aware of sin?
Something to think about.....

I'm in the XS room right now... Waiting for either my parents or my brother to come pick me up. We're going to celebrate my brother's birthday at some chinese restaurant in commonwealth. I'm not a big fan of chinese food, but its not my birthday. Don't think it was dale's idea to eat there either.

This week in camp has been a unsettling one. I hate the feeling of uncertainty but there's nothing that we can do about it. Just have to use whatever time i have to relax. But there's always a threat that there might be last minute instructions for us to do something. So anyway, friday was the epitome of my whole week. We had to book out to go to the Padang at City Hall to help out. I ended up walking up and down the stretch of the padang to the 4 phone booths in between Raffles City Shopping Centre and Marina Square Shopping Centre. My feet hurt at the end of that day...

Which brings me to my next point. I'm tired & I need a break... A retreat to think things through. I miss the days where I could just run off to the airport or to plaza singapura, find a nice corner to sit, eat, listen to music, read, pray and write. The problem with being responsible is that you have to be responsible even though going away to recharge would allow you to do a better job. You can't just stop.

I have been pleasantly surprised by Joel last week. Its things like this that make it worth carrying on. Jean Francois also surprised me by messaging me to be his mentor. I need time to settle down first before I decide to. Its no good mentoring if my own life is in a mess.

::: Thought of the Day :::
Sometimes you have to do things even if you don't like it.
But sometimes you have to question the purpose and not do things blindly.
Ask smart questions and you'll be safe.

This week has been hectic. In a way that it stresses you to think of the upcoming exercises. Not to mention the various duties we have to perform every day as a Duty Sergeant (DS), or every month as a Company Orderly Sergeant (COS) or guard commander. It'll take me a little more time to get used to the lifestyle. It has privileges, no doubt, but I don't want to get extras for nothing.

If I was a singer-songwriter, this would be how I'd put it.

::: Song of the Day :::
Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your weakness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
I can’t say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon..
Stones taught me to fly
Love, taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
| Damien Rice - Cannonball |

Hello... I got to stay out last night and I'm going back to camp soon. I was watching A Lot Like Love during my night's out yesterday and Da Kai called me saying that PC Shane needed photographs that were taken overseas. So I got to come home. They turned us out at 4:30am in the morning. It was quite an experience but spoilt by my stupid stomachache. UIP has officially ended for us. So the privileges like nights out and canteen breaks have started. But with it also comes responsibilities (read: Extras). They've posted me to the CCIS platoon which means I'll be spending more time in the labs instead of my bunk. Haha! But I think I'm gonna enjoy my life there. At least the superiors are less capricious.

I'd like to explore the possibilities but for now I must wait. Not by choice but what is a guy to do?